Inertia

[fabrisse]

I've been sick again. A combination of things including a bronchial cough that wiped me out and what felt like a 48 hour stomach flu on top of it. For the past ten days, I've felt like crap, and I'm still getting nothing done.

I've called the local Boys and Girls Club to volunteer as a tutor, but I haven't had a return call. I've been in for the plumbers to put in a new hot water heater after ours broke last week, and we had three days without hot water.

What hasn't happened is my getting out and getting temp work to put food on the table. Now I have been sick, but on some level it doesn't feel like enough reason. I haven't done my beta duties for Serafina either. Somehow I lost the story. She was kind enough to re-send it, but then the nausea hit, and I've been unable to read it mostly because I was unable to read anything.

I read a very good fanfiction the other day. It dealt with suicidal depression on the part of a character. It was so good that I was back in that horrible place almost without thinking about it. It would be so easy and so damned stupid. Right now, though, I'm so thoroughly disappointed in myself.

So, tomorrow, I call the other Boys and Girls club and see if they need tutors. And after the plumbers leave, I'll sit and write about my travels and see if I can feel like I'm contributing something. Friday while I'm out and about for other reasons, I'll stop at the police station to get the report on my mugging so I can finally get a new passport.

Next Monday, I hope that the little bit of forward momentum from these two days will take me to the next step. I'll see about temping and maybe have some money coming in by Mother's day. If I can keep finding small ways to go forward, maybe I can make my inertia work for me not against me. Maybe I can rediscover the good things about myself.

Because I really don't want to revisit self hatred. I don't want inertia to pull me under the bath water and into death.

Comments

[kstanley.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry you've been sick Fabi. I've had bronchitus myself (as a teen) and my colds have a nasty tendency to settle in my lungs. Sometimes, it just a mild case of bronchitius--other times it's a bad case and it takes weeks to fully recover. I hope you get well soon.

Obviously you have been in since you have been sick, but try to get out. That can help your mood. Although the weather has been so pissy lately (I assume that Boston and NYC have the same weather), I've been feeling a bit down myself. Once things warm up and getting sunny, I think you will feel better.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

It's been a tough winter all around. Getting out of the house is definitely the hard part. And yes, the weather is still pretty icky up here too.

With luck, spring will come to both cities sometime soon. Thanks for your kind words.

[eanja]

I'm sorry to hear you've been poorly. Is there anything at all I can do? I know I tend to dissapear for weeks, because I am dreadful at staying in touch even w/ people I like very much, but if there is ever any way I can help, I hope you will let me know.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty bad at staying in touch myself. I hope we'll see you at X-Men2. There's not much anyone can do; I have to dig myself out by myself. Having said that, I may call you for a coffee (or whatever equivalent) sometime, just for the excuse. It's always easier to get out of the house for someone else than for myself.

Hugs

Re:

[eanja]

I'm definitely planning on coming for X-Men2. Coffee would be great as well- I also tend to get mired at home for no apparent reason at all. You'd think, having a car, and woods next the building, that I wouldn't end up parked in the apartment doing nothing in particular nearly as often as I do. But I have a bad habit of waiting for people to invite me to do things, instead of arranging anything on my own. (In light of which, please consider yourself invited for coffee, or whatever, whenever would be convenient. I'd be happy to meet you somewhere, or pick you up, or whatever.)

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I hope you feel better soon.

[tpau]

doh! sorry you are beign all sick :( it was so nice to see you though! come to Mayday :)