Getting out of my current hole
May. 12th, 2006 07:31 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fabrisseOk. I know the first thing to do is stop digging. I think I've managed that. At the very least, I'm down to using a trowel rather than a bulldozer. This is good.
Getting away from my family is a given. I love Sis. But I'm seeing how much she tends to get into lockstep with Mom. Some of it's unintentional, but there's a good deal of it that isn't. I love Dad. I'll help him in any way I can from a distance. I love Mom, but I can't be around a vicious sot anymore.
Just for the record, nothing major has happened -- More PMS than usual, but no fights or manipulations. However, in conversing with Sis last night, I got a new spin on some of the house hunting (and there's a For Sale sign on the lawn) and my expected role.
First of all, the house she's put an offer on is nice. The guest house that I'll have is even nicer (more recent renovation). I've been told that I can do what I like with it as long as it doesn't involve knocking out walls or painting everything black.
Here's where the however comes in. Sis made it clear that she didn't have any need or want to sell the house. None. It felt a little small, but the terms of her loan were such that her finances would be better if she waited three years. She loves this house, and another three years would be about right for her. A change is nice, but unnecessary from her point of view.
Mom wants a move. She's still talking about a big place where we can all live together (in other words hell -- for her as well as the rest of us). She's restless. She hates being in one place too long. She no longer cares that she promised Dad this would be their home, their last move unless one of them needed a nursing home. She WANTS TO MOVE. And she's talking about it that emphatically.
Dad's pointed out the practical problems to her in terms of the dogs, his job (which he loves and Mom hates even though she spends every cent of his paycheck as soon as he brings it home), and their health. He genuinely loves this house; it feels like a home to him.
All this build up was because Sis basically told me last night that I can do anything I want to the guesthouse -- as long as it's exactly what Mom wants to do in the guest house. Sis and Dad are trying to work out Mom's need to move with Sis's move. And my space is to be the sacrifice.
I already knew that I needed to leave. I don't think I'll even apply to the Getty -- as much as I think I might enjoy working there -- because that might keep me here. It's become increasingly clear that somewhere along the line I have become something less than human to two members of my family.
Dad still mostly treats me like an adult woman with opinions and feelings. Sis may enjoy my company and like having me in her life -- she's said so several times -- but on some level she doesn't get why I would want to have a lock on my door.
I don't know about my personal sanity, but I'm pretty sure that I need to opt out of this folie en famille.
It was the little decorating things that finally got me to see it. Questions about why I didn't want to have an entertainment center and gigantic TV in the front room. Why did I need to have a dining room instead? Was I really planning to invite people over and entertain? Couldn't I at least let Mom think she was doing the decorating? It came to a head when Sis asked me why I felt I needed to look for another job at all.
I don't think she was expecting the diatribe she got about living on charity (and![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eanja, if you're reading this, you never for one second made me feel that way) and how demoralising it was to realize that I had no worth or say in these matters because I have no financial stake.
So. I'm open to suggestions. I see me in Vancouver leading a happy productive life. How I get there is fuzzy. Hell the life is fuzzy -- it seems to involve living over a bookstore and having potted plants on my balcony, though.
Getting my Ph.D. may be involved in this quest. I know I've been wanting to go back to Academia as a student. Why I don't know, because I was never the most successful student. Part of me still longs for more creative pursuits, too.
I have my copy of Wishcraft, and I'll take it with me to Britain and do the exercises. I'll start The Feeling Good Handbook again.
Whether it's in Vancouver or somewhere else in the North, I know that I will live in a place with a sizeable dining room. *G*
Getting away from my family is a given. I love Sis. But I'm seeing how much she tends to get into lockstep with Mom. Some of it's unintentional, but there's a good deal of it that isn't. I love Dad. I'll help him in any way I can from a distance. I love Mom, but I can't be around a vicious sot anymore.
Just for the record, nothing major has happened -- More PMS than usual, but no fights or manipulations. However, in conversing with Sis last night, I got a new spin on some of the house hunting (and there's a For Sale sign on the lawn) and my expected role.
First of all, the house she's put an offer on is nice. The guest house that I'll have is even nicer (more recent renovation). I've been told that I can do what I like with it as long as it doesn't involve knocking out walls or painting everything black.
Here's where the however comes in. Sis made it clear that she didn't have any need or want to sell the house. None. It felt a little small, but the terms of her loan were such that her finances would be better if she waited three years. She loves this house, and another three years would be about right for her. A change is nice, but unnecessary from her point of view.
Mom wants a move. She's still talking about a big place where we can all live together (in other words hell -- for her as well as the rest of us). She's restless. She hates being in one place too long. She no longer cares that she promised Dad this would be their home, their last move unless one of them needed a nursing home. She WANTS TO MOVE. And she's talking about it that emphatically.
Dad's pointed out the practical problems to her in terms of the dogs, his job (which he loves and Mom hates even though she spends every cent of his paycheck as soon as he brings it home), and their health. He genuinely loves this house; it feels like a home to him.
All this build up was because Sis basically told me last night that I can do anything I want to the guesthouse -- as long as it's exactly what Mom wants to do in the guest house. Sis and Dad are trying to work out Mom's need to move with Sis's move. And my space is to be the sacrifice.
I already knew that I needed to leave. I don't think I'll even apply to the Getty -- as much as I think I might enjoy working there -- because that might keep me here. It's become increasingly clear that somewhere along the line I have become something less than human to two members of my family.
Dad still mostly treats me like an adult woman with opinions and feelings. Sis may enjoy my company and like having me in her life -- she's said so several times -- but on some level she doesn't get why I would want to have a lock on my door.
I don't know about my personal sanity, but I'm pretty sure that I need to opt out of this folie en famille.
It was the little decorating things that finally got me to see it. Questions about why I didn't want to have an entertainment center and gigantic TV in the front room. Why did I need to have a dining room instead? Was I really planning to invite people over and entertain? Couldn't I at least let Mom think she was doing the decorating? It came to a head when Sis asked me why I felt I needed to look for another job at all.
I don't think she was expecting the diatribe she got about living on charity (and
eanja, if you're reading this, you never for one second made me feel that way) and how demoralising it was to realize that I had no worth or say in these matters because I have no financial stake.So. I'm open to suggestions. I see me in Vancouver leading a happy productive life. How I get there is fuzzy. Hell the life is fuzzy -- it seems to involve living over a bookstore and having potted plants on my balcony, though.
Getting my Ph.D. may be involved in this quest. I know I've been wanting to go back to Academia as a student. Why I don't know, because I was never the most successful student. Part of me still longs for more creative pursuits, too.
I have my copy of Wishcraft, and I'll take it with me to Britain and do the exercises. I'll start The Feeling Good Handbook again.
Whether it's in Vancouver or somewhere else in the North, I know that I will live in a place with a sizeable dining room. *G*
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 03:23 am (UTC)I'm glad you got rid of the bulldozer. It took up so much space and really wasn't helping. Now put down the trowel.
Having no say in anything and yet being expected to sit there and take it and be less than you can be so your mother can...I have no idea, even, what it is she wants, but you've known for a long time this isn't the life for you.
You've been talking about academia for a long time. Is it because you have a goal? Because it feels safe and homey? Either one is fine, as long as you know which it is. If you're not looking to get something in particular out of it, you may want to consider finding a job that has nothing to do with a college and take a couple classes at a community college or adult center. But if you want a degree, taking a job that allows you discounted or free courses would be a BIG help. Now is the time to solidify in your mind what it is you want for yourself. A dining room is not only a good start, but a worthy goal.
And yes, a grown woman should be allowed to do her own decorating in her own private space. If she's got a decent relationship with her mother, it's fine if mom wants to offer some advice or suggestions. The bottom line is, if it's your space, it needs to be what you want it to be. No one of our years should be putting in an entertainment center simply because it's what mommy wants.
If you think the Getty will lead to your staying with your family, then don't apply. I've been saying for a long time you need to get out of this situation as soon as you halfway reasonably can. This is your chance to break free and live your own life again. Take it in both hands and revel in it.
Then invite me to help break in your dining room. ; )
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 05:02 pm (UTC)You are always welcome at my table. Wherever that table might be.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 05:10 pm (UTC)As are you at mine.
Oh, and I'll do your fave moments bit later today. There's a session starting here in a few minutes and I have to carefully consider some of my answers to your picks.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 04:15 am (UTC)I don't have any practical advice right now, but I think this may be the right move for you, if you can manage it.
Why do you think Vancouver? I've heard it's really lovely there. I want to visit there someday.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 05:00 pm (UTC)Just personal weirdness is what it boils down to.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 06:05 pm (UTC)I hope you can get to Vancouver. :-)
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 02:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 04:42 pm (UTC)I should do at least some basic looking.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 05:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 02:32 pm (UTC)It'll be so good to see you.
I wish I had something useful to say, but I wasn't particularly good at dealing with my own family in 1992 when I was living with them.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 05:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-13 08:14 pm (UTC)Figuring out what it is you are hoping for wrt going back to school will be very useful to you. Either it will make going back to school easier or you will realize you want something else. A very worthwhile thing to work out.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 03:38 pm (UTC)Me too :) I'll pray that it happens for both of us. God knows we both need it.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-14 08:03 pm (UTC)I don't have any immediate suggestions for how to relocate there, but I absolutely think getting away from your family is the best thing. And of course you'd be welcome back here if you ever just desperately need to get away while you sort out how to get where you want to be.
I've been really abysmall about staying in touch, haven't I? I'll attempt a real email when I get home.
no subject
Date: 2006-05-15 05:52 am (UTC)PS
Date: 2006-05-15 05:55 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2006-05-20 05:24 pm (UTC)