Venting Anger (and Cold)
Jan. 19th, 2024 09:39 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fabrisseI am very angry at my sister right now. It'll pass, but for the moment, it exists.
As you know, I'm substitute teaching. I try to do once a week, more if Mom doesn't have too many doctor's appointments, and I only take the days when Sis has office hours. Why? Because she can come home after she finishes teaching and do office hours via zoom. She rushes back to be here by 2. I get home around 4, usually having picked up a coffee at Starbucks for Mom and/or ingredients for dinner. Since Mom rarely wakes before 10, she's really only alone for 4 hours.
Mom has a lavaliere that she's supposed to wear if we're both gone in case of accidents. She's not supposed to do anything too strenuous when we're both gone.
[side bar for anger at Mom. She won't wear shoes even though her doctors have told her to because she's not putting her feet on the floor correctly. She should use a cane indoors, but won't, usually. I have convinced her to use it if she's just awakened and needs to go to the bathroom in the night. She's nearly blind peripherally, but if there's any daylight in the room, not just the nightlights, then she won't use the cane. She thinks it makes her look old. She also points to the fact that I don't use the cane in the house, which isn't exactly true. I use it on the stairs. I also wear shoes ALL THE TIME because, hey, my doctors told me to.]
Mom's had a third minor stroke. No major change to her eyesight this time, but things get wiggly apparently. That's how the neurologist diagnosed it. She's also losing short-term memory. And, as always, she wants things when she wants them.
So, yesterday, she decided to get on the floor and clean the cabinets under her bathroom sinks. She completed the first one, managed to get up, and went and rested on her bed for an hour or so. She then did the second one and couldn't get up. She managed to crawl to the dog bed in her bedroom (probably 10-16 feet total, depending on which sink she did first). She couldn't get up at all.
I got home at 3:55 with a coffee for her (only possible because it's the high school closest to our house) and found her there. She hadn't put the lavaliere on. Sis wasn't home, which panicked me a bit. She'd been down there for over two hours, hadn't been able to get up to use the loo. I tried to get her up alone, but because she can't put her feet down properly, I couldn't manage it. The weight wasn't a problem, but the position was such that I couldn't get her standing, if that makes sense.
I called Sis -- and please understand that I was worried that she'd been in an accident or something. She had a student ask to meet her in person for office hours and said yes, thinking it would take, at most, a half hour. It took two full hours. Now, if that had happened yesterday, I'd have been a bit upset, but I wouldn't still be mad.
Sis had known the night before that she would stay at school to see this student and hadn't told anyone.
I could have been home half an hour earlier -- I'd've been paid a little less, so I stayed until my official going time -- forty-five minutes earlier if I hadn't stopped for coffee, which I wouldn't have if I'd had any idea Sis might be late.
There are two parts to this. I need to make certain Mom's wearing her lavaliere before I leave. Since I leave before Sis when I'm teaching, I've left it to her. Sis has been leaving it to Mom to put it on when she wakes up.
The other is convincing Sis to check with us about her schedule changes. She accepted a doctor's appointment for a procedure where she had to have someone to drive her home. I had to give up a multi-day assignment that would have let me pay for some things I'll need later.
My health insurance, which I finally have, is costing me $460 a month. I need this substituting to help pay for it. I'm supposed to do a week long assignment at the end of the month, but Sis hasn't done her part about finding someone to come in at 11 a.m. with a coffee to "walk the dogs" which is code for checking to make sure Mom is all right. One hour a day for five days to make sure Mom's okay so that I can earn enough. I'm getting about $1500 in Social Security, but, again, it's not enough with the other problems.
I cook. I clean. I launder. I chauffeur. I keep the calendar, remember the symptoms, organize the pills, call the pharmacy, call the doctors, make sure that Mom's fine after her shower, etc... And I'm doing it without antidepressants. All of this while Mom constantly harps at me to take more substitute jobs or find full time work. I have full time work; I look after Mom.
Sis, bless her, takes care of Mom's finances. Except Mom's been hacked three times in the past year, and I'm the one who has to call Social Security, Veteran's Affairs, OPM, and her other monthly check to get the direct deposits corrected.
On the one hand, I don't mind that Sis stayed to do a face-to-face with a student. I do mind that she didn't let anyone know. I mind like hell that she won't set limits with her students. It's taken three years to get her to say that they can text but not call her outside of business hours and that she won't answer emails on Sundays.
What I mind is that Sis doesn't let us know if something changes in her schedule and that she doesn't check before she makes an optional change to be certain it has no impact on the rest of us. And, silly as it sounds, I mind that Sis makes me take the mail when she works across the street from a post office.
Cold means something different here. It's been in the upper 20s Fahrenheit in the mornings this week and hasn't gotten much above 50F which would be a balmy day in early spring in Boston, but is fricking cold down here.
I hadn't understood that even if we have electricity (Thank the developers for buried powered lines!), our internet service would cut out continually. It's messed with my access all week, including our phone service and cable tv. I just can't wait for this week to be over.
UPDATE: I'm at Urgent Care with Mom because she has chest pain and can't catch her breath.
As you know, I'm substitute teaching. I try to do once a week, more if Mom doesn't have too many doctor's appointments, and I only take the days when Sis has office hours. Why? Because she can come home after she finishes teaching and do office hours via zoom. She rushes back to be here by 2. I get home around 4, usually having picked up a coffee at Starbucks for Mom and/or ingredients for dinner. Since Mom rarely wakes before 10, she's really only alone for 4 hours.
Mom has a lavaliere that she's supposed to wear if we're both gone in case of accidents. She's not supposed to do anything too strenuous when we're both gone.
[side bar for anger at Mom. She won't wear shoes even though her doctors have told her to because she's not putting her feet on the floor correctly. She should use a cane indoors, but won't, usually. I have convinced her to use it if she's just awakened and needs to go to the bathroom in the night. She's nearly blind peripherally, but if there's any daylight in the room, not just the nightlights, then she won't use the cane. She thinks it makes her look old. She also points to the fact that I don't use the cane in the house, which isn't exactly true. I use it on the stairs. I also wear shoes ALL THE TIME because, hey, my doctors told me to.]
Mom's had a third minor stroke. No major change to her eyesight this time, but things get wiggly apparently. That's how the neurologist diagnosed it. She's also losing short-term memory. And, as always, she wants things when she wants them.
So, yesterday, she decided to get on the floor and clean the cabinets under her bathroom sinks. She completed the first one, managed to get up, and went and rested on her bed for an hour or so. She then did the second one and couldn't get up. She managed to crawl to the dog bed in her bedroom (probably 10-16 feet total, depending on which sink she did first). She couldn't get up at all.
I got home at 3:55 with a coffee for her (only possible because it's the high school closest to our house) and found her there. She hadn't put the lavaliere on. Sis wasn't home, which panicked me a bit. She'd been down there for over two hours, hadn't been able to get up to use the loo. I tried to get her up alone, but because she can't put her feet down properly, I couldn't manage it. The weight wasn't a problem, but the position was such that I couldn't get her standing, if that makes sense.
I called Sis -- and please understand that I was worried that she'd been in an accident or something. She had a student ask to meet her in person for office hours and said yes, thinking it would take, at most, a half hour. It took two full hours. Now, if that had happened yesterday, I'd have been a bit upset, but I wouldn't still be mad.
Sis had known the night before that she would stay at school to see this student and hadn't told anyone.
I could have been home half an hour earlier -- I'd've been paid a little less, so I stayed until my official going time -- forty-five minutes earlier if I hadn't stopped for coffee, which I wouldn't have if I'd had any idea Sis might be late.
There are two parts to this. I need to make certain Mom's wearing her lavaliere before I leave. Since I leave before Sis when I'm teaching, I've left it to her. Sis has been leaving it to Mom to put it on when she wakes up.
The other is convincing Sis to check with us about her schedule changes. She accepted a doctor's appointment for a procedure where she had to have someone to drive her home. I had to give up a multi-day assignment that would have let me pay for some things I'll need later.
My health insurance, which I finally have, is costing me $460 a month. I need this substituting to help pay for it. I'm supposed to do a week long assignment at the end of the month, but Sis hasn't done her part about finding someone to come in at 11 a.m. with a coffee to "walk the dogs" which is code for checking to make sure Mom is all right. One hour a day for five days to make sure Mom's okay so that I can earn enough. I'm getting about $1500 in Social Security, but, again, it's not enough with the other problems.
I cook. I clean. I launder. I chauffeur. I keep the calendar, remember the symptoms, organize the pills, call the pharmacy, call the doctors, make sure that Mom's fine after her shower, etc... And I'm doing it without antidepressants. All of this while Mom constantly harps at me to take more substitute jobs or find full time work. I have full time work; I look after Mom.
Sis, bless her, takes care of Mom's finances. Except Mom's been hacked three times in the past year, and I'm the one who has to call Social Security, Veteran's Affairs, OPM, and her other monthly check to get the direct deposits corrected.
On the one hand, I don't mind that Sis stayed to do a face-to-face with a student. I do mind that she didn't let anyone know. I mind like hell that she won't set limits with her students. It's taken three years to get her to say that they can text but not call her outside of business hours and that she won't answer emails on Sundays.
What I mind is that Sis doesn't let us know if something changes in her schedule and that she doesn't check before she makes an optional change to be certain it has no impact on the rest of us. And, silly as it sounds, I mind that Sis makes me take the mail when she works across the street from a post office.
Cold means something different here. It's been in the upper 20s Fahrenheit in the mornings this week and hasn't gotten much above 50F which would be a balmy day in early spring in Boston, but is fricking cold down here.
I hadn't understood that even if we have electricity (Thank the developers for buried powered lines!), our internet service would cut out continually. It's messed with my access all week, including our phone service and cable tv. I just can't wait for this week to be over.
UPDATE: I'm at Urgent Care with Mom because she has chest pain and can't catch her breath.
no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 06:30 pm (UTC)To me, as a professional who deals with a lot of similar situations, it sounds like you and your sister have different definitions of what it means to take care of your mom. You believe that taking care of your mom means putting on the lavalier yourself, your sister thinks asking your mom to do it is enough. Does your mom still understand the importance of the lavalier (that's like a call buttong right=? Would she have used it if she had it? It sounds a lot like your mom is still very independed minded and won't take good advice even if it could prevent accidents. What I mean to say is this: it could have happened exactly like this with both you and your sister at home. You can't make her 100% safe, it's impossible and trying for that goal will drive you nuts.
And yes, it's silly that your are responsible for the mail when your sister could do it.
no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 06:45 pm (UTC)We both remind Mom to use the lavaliere if we're not in the house. Generally, I try to let her keep as much independence as she can. However, this third stroke, while it hasn't created the big changes we saw with the first one, has made her a bit scatterbrained. A couple of months ago, if we told her that [next week/on Wednesday/tomorrow] something would happen -- like me being out to work for the day -- she'd remember because she'd been told three times. It might take her a minute to remember when she first woke up, but within 30 minutes it would be "Oh, right, Fabi's teaching today. Sis will be home first, and one of them will remember the coffee."
Now, we can tell her twice a day every day before something happens -- usually starting a week out for a major doctor's appointment or me working -- and on the day she won't remember. I don't think Sis has made the adjustment, yet.
Before, I'd've taken it for granted that Mom would put on the call button because we were both out. Sis still does, and I no longer do.
You're right. Mom's in her 91st year. We can't keep her 100% safe, and even if we could, we shouldn't. But, I do feel like I have to cover the bare minimum.
The person to come once a day while I'm teaching for a week is a preliminary run for later in the year. I'm going to be away, in another state, for a week in April and for a long weekend at least in May. Then, in August, Sis and I will be away together for nearly three weeks. We want Mom to already know and trust someone before that happens. When we went away before, she had a staycation at a local independent living facility. She doesn't want to do that again and she doesn't want someone in the house with her 24/7, either. So, we're trying to figure out what will work.
no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 06:46 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 06:47 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 06:48 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 06:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 08:03 pm (UTC)I've sent you an email -- is that the best contact method at present, or should I go via dreamwidth DMs?
no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 08:52 pm (UTC)Email is usually best. Dreamwidth DMs often get through too.
no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 08:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-01-19 08:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2024-01-20 05:08 am (UTC)It doesn't sound silly. It's just one little thing, but you have a LOT of other things to do, and you walk with a cane. And you have to wrangle the dogs when you go in and out.
no subject
Date: 2024-01-20 05:52 am (UTC)