Funerals and Death Planning
May. 26th, 2020 01:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
fabrisseI've been wanting to write this for awhile. Some of it, maybe most, is common knowledge, but these were things I noticed while we were reacting to my father's death.
PRACTICALITIES:
First of all, Dad had a binder with those clear protective coverings. Inside each sheet was a document, original when he had it, validated copy when he didn't. As he was military, the single most important document was his DD-214. With it, we were able to confirm that he could be buried in a military cemetery. The military covers so many of the costs associated with a funeral, like the headstone, the actual burial, and the plot. We ended up paying only $4000 for all of the other things associated with the funeral.
So:
A) Have a binder like my dad's or a strong box with essential information. Include bank information. Especially include any information about a burial insurance policy or mutual aid society. In my sister's case, her union provides a little bit of money toward burial expenses.
B) Know what the expenses will be. Most funeral homes have payment plans of some type, but caskets, transportation to the cemetery, viewing room and time, and notarized copies of the death certificate add up quickly. I really like Caitlin Dougherty -- "Ask a Mortician" -- on YouTube. She calls herself death-positive and is really good about explaining options.
C) You will need multiple notarized copies of the death certificate. Every bank, insurance account, tax accountant, and government organization needs an original. In Georgia we got a certain number for free (I want to say 5) and had to pay for the other ten we requested. If you don't have much, you might get away with however many -- if any -- your location provides for free, but if you have a lot of investments, multiple banks, multiple government agencies with whom you interact, more may be necessary. In Georgia, it took ten days to get the originals we'd ordered. We were told that we could get more if we needed extras, but that they could take up to 45 days (and that was without the COVID lockdown) to be issued. One tip we've learned is to keep a copy in our purse or glove compartment. Even organizations you don't think need a copy, might need to see an original. I plan to take one home with me to validate my bereavement leave.
THE FUNERAL:
Military issues for funerals include waiting times for burial, availability of chaplains, length of services, and closest or preferred national cemetery. In our case, the closest cemetery was actually in another state. Since it isn't a popular cemetery -- like Arlington -- we were given a day and time less than a week after Dad's death. Note the word given, other than asking whether we preferred morning or afternoon, we had no say at all. The day/date and time were given by the military.
Military funerals are not graveside. They can provide an area to hold a small service, in the case of Beaufort that was an outdoor pavilion rather than a chapel. Cemeteries closer to military bases may allow a longer service at the chapel. There was no chaplain available at the time we'd been given, either. Fortunately, a friend of my sister's turned out to be an ordained Episcopal minister. We modified the usual service to fit the 30 minute window we had. Approximately 10 minutes of it was for handing the casket into military care at the beginning and the full honors at the end.
If the military decedent is being buried in uniform, make certain that there is at least one picture that shows the correct display of all the insignia. At the viewing, Dad's liver patch was pinned like a brooch on his lapel. We got it changed before the others arrived.
I was told that Arlington Cemetery gives 15 minutes for the service and the schedule is so tight that the earliest burials can be six months out. It's usually less of a waiting period for placement in a columbarium.
The military headstone is rigorous, too. Be prepared for limited space and some phrases being disapproved.
For the rest of you, the burial has as many costs associated as the funeral. Make certain you have some idea what the costs will be at the cemetery/columbarium of your choice including all those little fees associated with the interment. In looking at the list of potential expenses at the funeral parlor, they had a breakdown for each part of the interment, from digging, to rental of the machine to lower the casket, to blankets for various things, transportation of floral arrangements, etc. It was such a relief that all of that is covered by the military.
If you can, put a list of your own funeral wishes in that binder or lock box along with a photo of how you'd like to look if there's an open casket. The only things we knew is that Dad wanted a Christian burial and, like the rest of the family, he hated the 23 Psalm.
The minister we used knew my sister, but hadn't met the rest of us. Deciding on the readings to be used fell to me. I also ended up providing the only eulogy -- see that time factor -- and writing my father's obituary. The good news is that they go on line at the funeral home site, so there's not a word count as there would be in a newspaper. While it was, in many ways, an honor to be so involved with my father's service, it was also a burden that the others weren't willing to share.
When my sister contacted the funeral home on the afternoon dad died, it turned out that she'd approved embalming. With the service being so quick after Dad's death, refrigeration would have been much cheaper. It also probably would have meant that the people who actually deal with the body probably wouldn't have been able to put a fake smile on my father's face. My dad didn't like his teeth; his smile was always small, but you knew he was genuinely amused when you saw it. They kept it closed mouth, but stretched it wide. I still shudder to think of it.
I can't stress enough that Dad's binder was a life saver. And that all of us wish he'd left something with preferred readings, a picture that showed all his insignia, and whatever other preferences he had for the ceremony. Fortunately, we all knew he wanted the Battle Hymn of the Republic played and we hired the piper to provide it.
My own preferences:
Bury me where I fall. No transportation expenses.
Refrigeration, not embalming
If possible, I want an eco-burial -- only one cemetery in DC has an area for it -- and, if allowed shroud only.
No viewing.
I'll let you know the readings a music another time.
PRACTICALITIES:
First of all, Dad had a binder with those clear protective coverings. Inside each sheet was a document, original when he had it, validated copy when he didn't. As he was military, the single most important document was his DD-214. With it, we were able to confirm that he could be buried in a military cemetery. The military covers so many of the costs associated with a funeral, like the headstone, the actual burial, and the plot. We ended up paying only $4000 for all of the other things associated with the funeral.
So:
A) Have a binder like my dad's or a strong box with essential information. Include bank information. Especially include any information about a burial insurance policy or mutual aid society. In my sister's case, her union provides a little bit of money toward burial expenses.
B) Know what the expenses will be. Most funeral homes have payment plans of some type, but caskets, transportation to the cemetery, viewing room and time, and notarized copies of the death certificate add up quickly. I really like Caitlin Dougherty -- "Ask a Mortician" -- on YouTube. She calls herself death-positive and is really good about explaining options.
C) You will need multiple notarized copies of the death certificate. Every bank, insurance account, tax accountant, and government organization needs an original. In Georgia we got a certain number for free (I want to say 5) and had to pay for the other ten we requested. If you don't have much, you might get away with however many -- if any -- your location provides for free, but if you have a lot of investments, multiple banks, multiple government agencies with whom you interact, more may be necessary. In Georgia, it took ten days to get the originals we'd ordered. We were told that we could get more if we needed extras, but that they could take up to 45 days (and that was without the COVID lockdown) to be issued. One tip we've learned is to keep a copy in our purse or glove compartment. Even organizations you don't think need a copy, might need to see an original. I plan to take one home with me to validate my bereavement leave.
THE FUNERAL:
Military issues for funerals include waiting times for burial, availability of chaplains, length of services, and closest or preferred national cemetery. In our case, the closest cemetery was actually in another state. Since it isn't a popular cemetery -- like Arlington -- we were given a day and time less than a week after Dad's death. Note the word given, other than asking whether we preferred morning or afternoon, we had no say at all. The day/date and time were given by the military.
Military funerals are not graveside. They can provide an area to hold a small service, in the case of Beaufort that was an outdoor pavilion rather than a chapel. Cemeteries closer to military bases may allow a longer service at the chapel. There was no chaplain available at the time we'd been given, either. Fortunately, a friend of my sister's turned out to be an ordained Episcopal minister. We modified the usual service to fit the 30 minute window we had. Approximately 10 minutes of it was for handing the casket into military care at the beginning and the full honors at the end.
If the military decedent is being buried in uniform, make certain that there is at least one picture that shows the correct display of all the insignia. At the viewing, Dad's liver patch was pinned like a brooch on his lapel. We got it changed before the others arrived.
I was told that Arlington Cemetery gives 15 minutes for the service and the schedule is so tight that the earliest burials can be six months out. It's usually less of a waiting period for placement in a columbarium.
The military headstone is rigorous, too. Be prepared for limited space and some phrases being disapproved.
For the rest of you, the burial has as many costs associated as the funeral. Make certain you have some idea what the costs will be at the cemetery/columbarium of your choice including all those little fees associated with the interment. In looking at the list of potential expenses at the funeral parlor, they had a breakdown for each part of the interment, from digging, to rental of the machine to lower the casket, to blankets for various things, transportation of floral arrangements, etc. It was such a relief that all of that is covered by the military.
If you can, put a list of your own funeral wishes in that binder or lock box along with a photo of how you'd like to look if there's an open casket. The only things we knew is that Dad wanted a Christian burial and, like the rest of the family, he hated the 23 Psalm.
The minister we used knew my sister, but hadn't met the rest of us. Deciding on the readings to be used fell to me. I also ended up providing the only eulogy -- see that time factor -- and writing my father's obituary. The good news is that they go on line at the funeral home site, so there's not a word count as there would be in a newspaper. While it was, in many ways, an honor to be so involved with my father's service, it was also a burden that the others weren't willing to share.
When my sister contacted the funeral home on the afternoon dad died, it turned out that she'd approved embalming. With the service being so quick after Dad's death, refrigeration would have been much cheaper. It also probably would have meant that the people who actually deal with the body probably wouldn't have been able to put a fake smile on my father's face. My dad didn't like his teeth; his smile was always small, but you knew he was genuinely amused when you saw it. They kept it closed mouth, but stretched it wide. I still shudder to think of it.
I can't stress enough that Dad's binder was a life saver. And that all of us wish he'd left something with preferred readings, a picture that showed all his insignia, and whatever other preferences he had for the ceremony. Fortunately, we all knew he wanted the Battle Hymn of the Republic played and we hired the piper to provide it.
My own preferences:
Bury me where I fall. No transportation expenses.
Refrigeration, not embalming
If possible, I want an eco-burial -- only one cemetery in DC has an area for it -- and, if allowed shroud only.
No viewing.
I'll let you know the readings a music another time.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-26 10:54 pm (UTC)With the exception of the military stuff, I was nodding along at everything you said, which I also experienced when my aunt passed away. She had no kids, and I ended up having to shoulder a lot of what a daughter might have to do, including the death certficate copies, writing the eulogy, program, etc. It was a hard situation, and we were all a bit fish-out-of-water with having to make certain decisions.
I told myself I would try to put things in place for the inevitable wrt my own parents, but still haven't made any moves in that direction. So again, thanks for this reminder. I really should, especially as I'm at home with them and have the time.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-26 11:23 pm (UTC)We were also lucky that the nurse at the hospital recommended a good funeral parlor. They were helpful and even showed us a book with several cheaper casket options. Mom and Dad both want, or in Dad's case wanted, plain wood with a simple lining. We ended up with something in a medium price range that didn't have too much stuff -- like extra brass, a shiny polish, or little American flags woven into the lining.
I really wish that we'd known more about the type of service Dad wanted. We were able to avoid Psalm 23, Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 instead, and have the one hymn we knew he'd requested.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-26 11:36 pm (UTC)That was a lot for you to shoulder, on short notice. Funeral and burial arrangements by their nature fall on the recently bereaved, with time pressure. It's not anyone's best time to make decisions.
Sympathies again.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-27 01:18 pm (UTC)I appreciate the condolences, too.
no subject
Date: 2020-05-29 08:16 pm (UTC)Wishing you all the best on your special day! *big hugs*
no subject
Date: 2020-06-11 03:36 pm (UTC)