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I've been sick again. A combination of things including a bronchial cough that wiped me out and what felt like a 48 hour stomach flu on top of it. For the past ten days, I've felt like crap, and I'm still getting nothing done.
I've called the local Boys and Girls Club to volunteer as a tutor, but I haven't had a return call. I've been in for the plumbers to put in a new hot water heater after ours broke last week, and we had three days without hot water.
What hasn't happened is my getting out and getting temp work to put food on the table. Now I have been sick, but on some level it doesn't feel like enough reason. I haven't done my beta duties for Serafina either. Somehow I lost the story. She was kind enough to re-send it, but then the nausea hit, and I've been unable to read it mostly because I was unable to read anything.
I read a very good fanfiction the other day. It dealt with suicidal depression on the part of a character. It was so good that I was back in that horrible place almost without thinking about it. It would be so easy and so damned stupid. Right now, though, I'm so thoroughly disappointed in myself.
So, tomorrow, I call the other Boys and Girls club and see if they need tutors. And after the plumbers leave, I'll sit and write about my travels and see if I can feel like I'm contributing something. Friday while I'm out and about for other reasons, I'll stop at the police station to get the report on my mugging so I can finally get a new passport.
Next Monday, I hope that the little bit of forward momentum from these two days will take me to the next step. I'll see about temping and maybe have some money coming in by Mother's day. If I can keep finding small ways to go forward, maybe I can make my inertia work for me not against me. Maybe I can rediscover the good things about myself.
Because I really don't want to revisit self hatred. I don't want inertia to pull me under the bath water and into death.
I've called the local Boys and Girls Club to volunteer as a tutor, but I haven't had a return call. I've been in for the plumbers to put in a new hot water heater after ours broke last week, and we had three days without hot water.
What hasn't happened is my getting out and getting temp work to put food on the table. Now I have been sick, but on some level it doesn't feel like enough reason. I haven't done my beta duties for Serafina either. Somehow I lost the story. She was kind enough to re-send it, but then the nausea hit, and I've been unable to read it mostly because I was unable to read anything.
I read a very good fanfiction the other day. It dealt with suicidal depression on the part of a character. It was so good that I was back in that horrible place almost without thinking about it. It would be so easy and so damned stupid. Right now, though, I'm so thoroughly disappointed in myself.
So, tomorrow, I call the other Boys and Girls club and see if they need tutors. And after the plumbers leave, I'll sit and write about my travels and see if I can feel like I'm contributing something. Friday while I'm out and about for other reasons, I'll stop at the police station to get the report on my mugging so I can finally get a new passport.
Next Monday, I hope that the little bit of forward momentum from these two days will take me to the next step. I'll see about temping and maybe have some money coming in by Mother's day. If I can keep finding small ways to go forward, maybe I can make my inertia work for me not against me. Maybe I can rediscover the good things about myself.
Because I really don't want to revisit self hatred. I don't want inertia to pull me under the bath water and into death.
