Enough Frivolity

[fabrisse]

My upstairs neighbor likes me. We've been out a couple of times (and for any who care I paid my own way each time), but, before I came to Boston, I told him that I wasn't interested in him because we had no conversation. He essentially asked me for one more date to prove that we could find things to talk about and I agreed to coffee. Nope. Still a monologue by me.

Those of you who know me, know I can talk. But I don't really like to monologue. I want to learn new things, ask questions about my problems and maybe get answers, maybe answer some of my friends' questions. In other words, I like conversation. Two to ten people in a room debating engineering or teaching or politics or costuming or whatever is exciting to me. Just hearing my own voice isn't.

Furthermore, I finally finished the major apartment clean and organize project. Upstairs neighbor wants to see the apartment. I have explained in words of one syllable that I don't want to share yet. I like this new space I've created and I want to be the one to invite the first person in. (By the way, the woman who did the apartment inspection was awesome. She hugged me and generally made me feel like I was a great person.)

Tonight, he called and wanted to come over. I said no. He tried a different tack. I said no. He tried yet another tack. I'm pretty sure I said no. He tried one last tack, and something about the phrasing knocked me for a loop and I said nothing at all. I was tongue-tied.

He took that for acquiesence and said he'd be over in 20 minutes.

During that time, I put away my paints. I did a couple of watercolors today. They aren't great, but it felt so good to sketch and play with color. I also called gileswench and asked her to call at 10 p.m. so I could have an excuse to ask him to leave. She did. Her husband has offered to come out here on his vacation and loom at the guy. Weirdly enough, her call was the second one. I spent twenty minutes on the phone with my family, and he didn't take the hint.

I know this is my mistake. Somehow I didn't say No enough. But dammit, I feel like the first No should have been sufficient. I think the explanation I gave a couple of weeks ago that I wasn't ready to share my space with anyone should have been enough. I'm upset -- mostly with me.

Wednesday is my TV night. I like watching "So You Think You Can Dance" because I've taken enough dance classes to know that I can't dance very well. I love watching it, though. I feel like something's been taken from me. How stupid is that?

Anyway, I'm about to light incense to get the weird vibe out of here. There may be some bell ringing, too.

To all of you up in Boston to whom I said, "Come to DC. You can stay with me if you don't mind the floor." I meant it. You're invited. This guy wasn't.

Comments

[siderea]

No, it wasn't your mistake.

Yeah, actually, it was. Fabi just let into her home -- where she live alone -- a man who has no respect for her boundaries, has been pursuing her sexually, and with whom she has never previously been alone. And she did it because he badgered her into it.

She's lucky not to have been raped or murdered.

Of course, he might just have been scoping out the apartment for next time.

I'm glad to hear she thinks she made a mistake. Because it was. And one which if she repeats might be the death of her.

When someone shows up on your doorstep whom you've repeatedly told can't come over, the correct response is to call the goddamned cops.

Don't be so hasty to try to fix Fabi's feelings. It's good that she feels badly about this, if it motivates her to do differently next time. If wounded pride makes her spine a little stiffer and her temper a little hotter, that's to the good.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

She's lucky not to have been raped or murdered.
That's the other reason I asked gileswench to call. The thought did flit across my mind. Had I not answered, I'm sure she would have called the police. Though I'm not certain how she'd do it from California. *headdesk*

Anyone in my building can knock on my door at any time because I'm on the board of the tenant's association. My apartment number and phone number are public domain within these six hundred apartments.

I know I said "NO" several times. I know silence is not "Yes."

[siderea]

Anyone in my building can knock on my door at any time because I'm on the board of the tenant's association. My apartment number and phone number are public domain within these six hundred apartments.

So? You told him no and he did it anyway. You've read Gift of Fear.

I know I said "NO" several times. I know silence is not "Yes."

Good. Sometimes "no" doesn't work. When it doesn't, you need to escalate. The second request may be interpreted as some form of cluelessness, but the answer to the third has to be to turn the topic from the content to the process: "This is the third time you've asked. I believe I've made myself plain." There needs to be not just firmness but real asperity. And a coolness.

Never say "no" to someone more than twice. After that, the topic has changed to why they aren't listening to you, what part of "no" they didn't understand, why they aren't doing what you told them to do, why you shouldn't just call the cops right now.

[elfwanderer.livejournal.com]

Go back and say no again. Tell him you told him no three times. Then leave.

Eh, that is what I would do anyway. Shrug.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I'll think about it. I'm just afraid that going to him will make it seem like I want to see him, y'know?

[sunspiral.livejournal.com]

One way to handle this is to leave a written note for him explaining how what he did was really wrong, and explaining that future pushiness might earn him a visit from the constabulary.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I think that's the next step. Thank you.

[eanja]

I totally get the not wanting to be rude part, even to people who don't get it, but either this guy is too dense to realize he is being out of line, or he doesn't care. Hopefully it's the former, but then again, if you get to our age with that few social skills, I'm not sure how fixable that really is.

I'm not sure exactly how you tell someone to their face that their behavior is inappropriate and they should go away, if you aren't the sort of person who naturally does that. (Can you pretend he's a teenage behaving inappropriately and read him a lecture on manners?)

I do think when my family called, I would have said, excuse me, this a very important call, I'm going to have to ask you to leave. But barring that, if he invites himself over again, just don't answer the door. After all, you did say no- how does he know you weren't about to leave? And if he persists in asking you out, you might just have to work up the nerve and suggest that though he might not realize it, his behavior is starting to verge on creepy.

And yes, it's completely reasonable for you to be upset about having your space invaded.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Pretend he's a teenager might work. It would help if the teenagers I knew weren't generally so polite and quick on the uptake. *G*

I think I will not take his calls for the next day or two. If he does try to ask me out again, I will DEFINITELY say no. And, if he persists beyond that, I'll pull the creepy card.

My fear there is if I say it, he'll figure "what the hell, she already thinks I'm bad" and be worse. Not logical, I know.

[eanja]

I'm thinking of your ability to lecture large young main who aren't behaving appropriately, per some of your stories from the boys and girls club.

My fear there is if I say it, he'll figure "what the hell, she already thinks I'm bad" and be worse. Not logical, I know..

This worries me. Are you sure this isn't logical, and that he really giving you that kind of vibe?

I do think in your shoes, I would probably wimp out and explain you had started seeing someone you knew in Boston, as it might be an excuse he can't reasonably overlook if he's doing traditional male. You could still do that, even if you now have to explain why you didn't say that when he asked you for coffee. (You didn't want to hurt his feelings, I suppose.) Not that any of this is his business, but since he doesn't seem to get plain no, and creeps you out, it wouldn't hurt to give him a damn reason to leave you alone if that's what he needs.

[serafina20.livejournal.com]

I deleted my comment because I really hate to be lectured by people I don't know and I'm trying not to be really rude. I still maintain that it wasn't your fault that he didn't get the hint. Yes, you could have not opened the door and let him in. Yes, you could have called the cops. But he is the one who persisted in violating you and that is not your fault.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Your point is good. I'm not responsible for his poor listening skills or discomforting actions.

siderea and eanja both had the advantage of hearing the earlier moves he made in more detail than I published here. I spoke to both of them about it in some depth, especially with siderea, while I was in Boston. They both know of, and in one case know the other person in, a relationship I had which had boundary issues too.

My choice to open the door is my fault. I need to work out how not to do it again.

Thank you for your support on this. I really appreciate it.

[riverfox.livejournal.com]

Crap. Now I'd love to come down for a secondary reason. I may be short, but I can "loom". And have no trouble telling weird, stalky people to "fuck off"... mostly in a diplomatic but direct way, unless they need a pointy stick. *g*

I know you're not rude, and you loathe to be rude, but you need to tell him to fuck off. It's now come to the point where that's required because he's *purposely* ignoring the polite hints.

*loves*

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I know what you mean. I can intimidate people at only 5'2" myself. But I may call on your abilities as mine are on the fritz where he's concerned.

*loves you back*

[riverfox.livejournal.com]

Anytime, sweetie. :) Though doing it through the phone won't be the same, I can always do that. I'll have to remember to ask Sue when she gets home if I can give you the phone number. :) One-way conversation (since that's his only kind) with this moron would go something like this:

"You know damn well that No means No, not Yes. Clingy and whining is not a desirable personality trait. Things just didn't click with her. Everyone feels disappointed when that happens, but that's just the way things go sometimes. What you now have to do is back off, get over it, and move on. Right now, you're not doing that, and you need to know that your behavior is approaching the definition of a felony."

[nyren.livejournal.com]

I don't loom too well, but I can growl and glare!

I'm sorry you have to deal someone who doesn't understand what words mean. That is always highly irritating, and actively beating people with clue by fours that aren't metaphors is not allowed in most states.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Come visit. A growl and glare would help tremendously. *G*

Sadly, clue by fours are banned in DC. Though handguns no longer are.

[moria923.livejournal.com]

How annoying! So not only can't he hold a conversation, but he's clueless. You deserve someone a lot better.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

*hugs*