Who Am I?

[fabrisse]

The ultimate psychological question, I suppose. I've been unemployed for over a year. I've had a few contract jobs, the odd fill in work, and for a while unemployment, but mostly I've spent the last year doing nothing.

I can point to chemical reasons for this. For those of you who've never been clinically depressed, this may seem a little odd. In January of 2001, I was looking forward to an SCA event. I'd just held "The Virginia Dinner" for a group of friends. Every recipe for it was invented or redacted by me. Within one week, I couldn't get out of bed. Suicide was a constant ache. I was afraid to go to the T station because I knew I'd throw myself on the tracks. Moreover, I knew that I'd time it right; there would be no failed attempt.

There'd been little signs. I was already in therapy because I'd had a few little minutes from October - December. When talking to my doctor, I'd likened them to the little pebbles that could harken an avalanche. I wasn't prepared for the size of the landslide. When it hit, I couldn't walk into the kitchen for fear of what I'd do to myself with a knife.

I got help. And drugs. After a visit from my mother, the dosages were put up. In July they were raised again, and that's the dose I've been on ever since. In March of this year, through an error at my doctor's office, I ended up without my medication for 3 days. I discovered that rather than feeling better as I'd thought, I was a depressive on drugs. The suicidal thoughts were back before I could pick up the new prescription.

I don't want to be depressed. This entry is coming from an exercise in the book "Wishcraft" which asks you to define who you are right now. I'm the depressive. The deadbeat who's unemployed, the person who shouldn't be here. The X.

Comments

[edie22.livejournal.com]

You know, Fabi, I've been dealing with this, on a much smaller scale, I think. I am having a cycle of depression, I can count on it every 30 days or so. I decided this time I was fucking tired of it. I wasn't going to be depressed, I didn't need to be and I wasn't going to be. It's been working for a week. I dont' know what will happen when my regular depression days come up again.

I don't know what you're going thru, but know that people do care about you. And if you ever need to talk, you can always email me.

[disbelief11.livejournal.com]

Fabrisse, I've only had the good fortune to get to know you briefly in person and, of course, through your postings at TWoP. I found you to be itelligent, witty, caring, funny, with a unique perspective and talents to share with others...a person I would jump at the opportunity to spend more time with, to get to know better. Please remember that those other aspects of you are in there too, and that "depressive" cannot come close to describing the complete you.

[havenstar.livejournal.com]

You are NOT "The X," and you're not a person who "shouldn't be here." You have had an amazing life so far, and I'm sure there's more amazing stuff in your future. You are Cara the Fabulous and we love you, and I hope with all my heart that next year, come June, I will be in Boston to finally meet you and the other wonderful people I've met online. You've been nice to me when you really didn't have to, and spent time talking with me and making me feel better about missing out on the Tea Party. You are a fantastic, loving, interesting, intelligent, and generally just wonderful person, and I'm glad to know you, even if it's only online. Depression is something several people close to me have had to go through, but they were able to overcome it and I have faith that you can, too. You're a strong, incredible person, Fabi, and I truly hope you'll be able to realize this as we do.

~Julie, AKA Captain Tardy

[tpau]

*smack* stop feelign sorry for yourself. everyone feels liek that sometimes. you know better then this.

[jerminating.livejournal.com]

You should be here.

You're a strong, intelligent, caring woman.
I'll be seeing you tomorrow.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I'll see you at dinner next week. Yes, everyone feels this way sometimes. I can recognize the difference between the two, and I'll explain in all the depth you like. Or we can just talk about your wedding and "Squee" together.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I still have the autograph to send you. I've had my life invaded by small children and movers and just haven't had the chance to send it to you. So sorry. And thank you so much for your kind words.

Big hug.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much. No matter how much I may *know* that depressive isn't all of me, there are times when it overwhelms. There have been alot of those recently.

I really appreciate having had the chance to meet you.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I may take you up on your offer.