Moving

[fabrisse]

There's an article in today's New York Times which maybe found here:

New York Times Article

I want to read the full article and not just someone else's gloss, but this is a huge thing for me.

I am 49 years old. If I don't count little moves -- moves within the same city made for financial or other purposes -- I have moved 22 times, 9 of those were before fourth grade. When people wonder why my relationship with my parents is a little odd, this is a factor. My nuclear family was literally the only point of stability in my life. No matter how bad the relationship got, it was the only thing I could latch onto.

The Times article says, it's not as bad for military brats because the military eases the transition. I don't know whether that's true now, but the only word for it for the first 23 years of my life is bullshit. With two exceptions, the moves to London when I was six and to Brussels when I was seventeen, we were given under a month to prepare for the move. My mother's organization and neatness made it possible. In several cases, including my first move when I was ten days old, we were given a week -- that's right seven days -- to move from one state to another.

Had my father's military career been more typical, that might still have been relatively simple, but after that first move, we never once lived on base. This was not our choice; we were never offered base housing as my father was military intelligence. This also meant, that other than DoD schools in England and Belgium, I never attended a school where most of the kids were in the same boat as I was. It's not so bad constantly being the new kid, if half the class in any given year is new with you, at least according to anecdotal reports from people who did go to base or other DoD schools for most of their elementary - high school careers.

siderea, Lucy, the Professor, bryttan, Snow, eanja, jerminating, gileswench, and many others have all helped me form more stable friendships as an adult. LJ itself gave me a way to put my family into perspective when I returned to California, which helped me more than I can ever repay.

But I will always feel fractured, no matter how well I remember my own past. Would I trade the chances to travel and see the world that I've had for a more stable life? I honestly don't know. I like the life I have now, but I am aware of things missing that I longed for. I know I have a wider perspective for having lived the life I have, but emotional roots and a sense of having somewhere to belong might have been nice.

Comments

[eanja]

I wonder if email and the internet make this any easier for kids nowadays? Patrick (who's nowhere near your level, but moved at least 9 times in 13 years and has been in 8 schools in 9 years) is still in touch at least sporadically with classmates he moved away from several years ago. It's not the same thing as being in contact, but it seems like it might makes thing a lot easier. Of course, he's also fairly extraverted, which helps hugely (as the article notes).

(I also moved a fair bit when I was quite young, but we stopped before I was old enough for it to matter much, I think. Plus I think having a twin very much insulated me, as I didn't have as much need for outside companionship when I was in grade school.)

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I think the fact that, for the most part, internet access is the norm these days does help. I think the State Department kids, who generally came back to the same house every four years, also had it somewhat easier.

[lauradi7.livejournal.com]

Based on a movie (The Messenger) rather than personal experience, the currently military hasn't changed. One of the main characters says that she can pack up and entire house and move in 48 hours, having had lots of practice.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

I think having time to plan and prepare might also help kids, and that's what the military really doesn't permit. Good to know the young'uns of today don't have it too much easier. *G*

[sienamystic.livejournal.com]

I was a State Department brat, but our moving patterns were somewhat different from the usual. For one, we would do three years overseas, three years back in the same general vicinity in the US (Virginia suburbs) so that there was familiarity there, even if I didn't have a pack of friends or a familiar school because of how the timing fell out. Secondly, my mom is from an American-Spanish-Filipino family, so our time in Asia was marked by long visits to a giant passel of relatives in Manila, so that was another locus of stability. I'm introspective, introverted, and I did have a hard time making friends, but I don't think I had too hard a time with the moving because I had all my books and a couple of close friends and that's all I needed. My younger sister, on the other hand, didn't end up moving as frequently, but it was harder on her as she got older because she tended to get involved in big social groups that were harder to leave behind.

I've ended up moving several times as an adult, and I think there's a part of me that really enjoys picking up and leaving for new ground. But keeping connections with family does become more difficult, even with Facebook and email and LJ.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Books were a great help for me, too -- even if I did have to rebuy the same ones frequently. (My mom didn't understand re-reading and would throw away my books, so I'd go out and buy them again.) I can imagine the passel of relatives were a comfort.

I know that the move to Belgium was helped by having lived in England when I was younger. We had friends who would visit us there or meet us for lunch if we went to London for a weekend. There was some continuity.

[riverfox.livejournal.com]

The military eases the transition? Are those people high? Perhaps for some high-ranking officers themselves, there's not too much stress, but the service member's family, particularly the kids, goes through a hell of a lot more.

Also, parents with substance abuse, who are forced to move every two years or so, bring a bunch of trauma on moving.

Either way, I hated trying to make new friends over and over again, and stability has always been an issue with me.

[fabrisse.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I'd like to know more about the techniques and criteria of the study. I do think the military has gotten better about families since my early childhood, but I don't think they'll ever actually be good. And I'm not sure they can be given the nature of the mission.

[riverfox.livejournal.com]

I don't think much of them. The folks doing that study come across as "selective" instead of a realistic cross-section.

The military has improved somewhat, but when it comes to low ranks, both NCO and Officer, the only improvements are on the civilian side in what services are being offered to help people move.